The year of your divorce, and the year that follows, can bring many emotional firsts: your first birthday, Valentine’s Day, holiday season, or anniversary spent without your spouse. If these days feel freeing or celebratory for you, that is worth honoring.

But for many people, these dates can feel difficult, complicated, or unexpectedly heavy. This edition of Graceful Exits offers practical ways to prepare for important days, care for yourself through them, and move forward with more confidence.

Listen to Your Heart

Moving past your divorce is a grieving process. And grieving can take longer than you expect. As you move through the first months and first year or so, listen carefully to your heart. If you are feeling down or out of sorts, is there a milestone you forgot about?

I left my marriage in February 2017. In 2018, I was still too distracted by my ongoing case to notice the passage of the anniversary — but in 2019 I struggled during the anniversary week.

It took several days of unspecified anxiety and poor sleep for me to key in on what was bothering me. Once I figured it out, I was able to find ways to cope instead of passively accepting my discomfort.

“Naming the source of my distress gave me power to overcome it.”

Connect With Your Support System

Hopefully during the divorce process, you found your support system — the friends and family members you can lean on when you are struggling. These are the people you call when you realize that it’s Valentine’s Day and, while everyone else seems to be paired up, you are not. These are the people who are there to listen, encourage you, and help you get through a challenging day.

Some people find great comfort and support in their faith community. Even if you’ve been away from services from some time, you’ll often be welcomed back with open arms by a group of like-minded people who can offer community and fellowship — especially on holidays. Some houses of worship even offer a program called DivorceCare, which can be a powerful coping tool.

An informal support system is important, but in some cases, you may need to call on a professional. Not everyone needs the services of a therapist. But if you find yourself struggling more often than not or you’re unable to find ways to cope, a therapist can help you build a happier future.

Plan Ahead

Grief can take you by surprise, and it may take time to understand which moments trigger difficult feelings. Once you recognize those triggers — certain dates, holidays, or events — you can plan ahead with more care and intention.

I once knew a client who was sensitive about being alone on her birthday, and about getting older in general. Once she figured out that being alone on her birthday was an issue, she started making plans to celebrate with friends or family.

For her next milestone birthday, she decided to buy herself a wonderful travel experience that she could look forward to. Planning ahead can allow you to turn a potentially sad day into a day that you’re excited about.

Treat Yourself

Often, an intimate partner is the person who helps make special days feel meaningful. Part of learning to be single, even for a season, is learning how to be kind and generous to yourself. Buy yourself the flowers, take yourself to the restaurant you’ve been wanting to try, plan the trip you’ve always imagined, or see the movie with great reviews — popcorn included.

The caveat is that you can’t, and shouldn’t, use spending to heal a broken heart. There is no sense racking up debt, spending down limited assets, or accumulating things to avoid your feelings. The point is not to buy your way through grief, but to give yourself permission to enjoy moments of comfort, beauty, and care.

“Time heals all wounds.”

Over time, your grief will fade, and days that felt difficult last year won’t be as hard in the coming year. One day you may look at your calendar, realize it’s your old wedding anniversary, shrug, and move on with your day just like any other. Until then, planning ahead, leaning on support, and treating yourself with compassion can help you move through those important dates with a little more steadiness and hope.

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