Divorce is a life-changing event and maybe one of the biggest since your wedding day. And initiating a divorce kicks off a high-stakes legal process. That means there are some do’s and do not’s for getting ready to leave.

Don’t Rush

There is no such thing as a “quickie divorce”, and every case has knock on effects. A decision this consequential is one you should take your time with — and you might consider making it in conjunction with your spouse.

If you feel safe doing so, broach the topic with him or her. There is a chance they want out just as much as you do.

In case you don’t think your spouse would agree to a divorce and you feel the need to be discreet, ask yourself some key questions:

• Am I prepared to leave both emotionally and financially?
• Do I need to increase my earnings by returning to paid work or moving from part-time to full-time work?
• Do I need to complete some education to increase my earning potential?
• Is it important to stay married until children hit a milestone, like leaving for college?
• Is there anything else that might make leaving now more difficult, like an existing health issue? Is there a way to mitigate this?

The major exception to this advice is if you are the victim of domestic violence. If you are unsafe at home, your priority is to get yourself and any children to a safe place. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them on the web at thehotline.org, where you’ll find resources to help you leave safely.

Do Your Homework

If you’ve taken your time and feel ready to start your divorce, the next thing you must do is your homework. 

The internet can be a good source of information but be picky about the sources you use. The divorce process varies from state to state and county to county, so it’s important to look for local resources first.

Start by visiting the web page for your local Bar Association and looking for the Family Law Section subpage.^[1]These organizations often list resources such as primers on the local divorce process, information about child custody and child support, and information about available legal aid.

A solid understanding of what you can expect once the ball is rolling will help you navigate the process with more confidence.

The Divorce Process in Texas

Also consider what sort of resolution process you want to use in settling your case. Research the processes available in your area and have in mind the one you’d like to use. Here are a few examples:

• Is your case a good candidate for a Collaborative Divorce? Perhaps you and your spouse can agree on a settlement with minimal guidance from outside professionals and just need an attorney to draft your divorce decree. This is sometimes called an uncontested divorce.
• Will you use formal mediation? Formal mediation will allow you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse to reach an agreement with the assistance of a trained mediator and your respective attorneys. In cases that threaten to become contentious, this can be the best way to reach agreement.
• Do you think your case will be adversarial and require appearance in a trial court? If you anticipate going to trial, this will affect the attorney you choose to hire and may mean that you need to include other experts^[2] in your case preparation.

Do Seek Support

Divorce is a difficult and sometimes lonely process. If you aren’t already in individual therapy, you might consider finding a good therapist to help you navigate the host of big feelings that are likely to come up for you.

It’s also helpful to “find your tribe,” as they say. Find the best-suited people among your friends and family to be your support network. Knowing who you can call when you are struggling can be a huge comfort.

Lastly, never allow yourself to get too hungry, too tired, or too lonely.

Do Interview Attorneys

By now you’ve made a decision to leave, done your homework, and found your tribe. Next, you’ll need an attorney. 

Divorce is first and foremost a legal proceeding and trying to DIY can have negative consequences. Your attorney is your counsel and advocate, and they will set the tone for your case; make this choice carefully.

How to Hire a Divorce Lawyer

During your research, you will have identified a resolution process that appeals to you. As you look for an attorney, try to find one who has experience with, or even specializes in, your desired process.

Plan to interview no fewer than two candidates. If you have time, interview three. The research you did earlier will have also given you some guidance on the questions to ask an attorney in a consultation.

When deciding who to interview, look for candidates who are:

• Specialists — You want an attorney whose practice is limited to family law and maybe one other related area.
• A good fit — If the candidate has a website, visit it to get an idea of how they practice. If you want to use Collaborative Divorce (or a collaborative-style process), do they do this type of work? If you are hoping for an uncontested case, is this part of their practice?
• Local — You’ll be visiting your attorney’s office from time to time, so it’s a good idea to work with someone you can easily get to.

Once you’ve found an attorney who is a good fit for you, there is just a little more work to be done before you set the process in motion.

Do Gather Information

We always hope that the parties to a divorce will cooperate with each other as their case unfolds. However, we can’t always count on this — and if you anticipate an adversarial process, it is wise to do a few things before broaching the topic of divorce. 

First, if you don’t have a private email address, get one. It will take less than five minutes and is vital to protecting your confidentiality going forward.

Next, gather information about your household finances. If you can, make copies of account statements for your family’s financial accounts.^[3] Don’t forget copies of billing statements for debts like your mortgage, car loans, credit cards, and so forth. If they are available, make copies of prior year’s tax returns and W2s for both you and your spouse.

You may or may not need all this information, but it is helpful to have a clear picture of your finances before moving forward. If you can’t get all the items listed above, don’t panic. Make a list of all the assets and debts you think your family has and set that aside with the other information you’ve collected. When your case begins in earnest, your attorney will help you fill in the blanks.

Do Make a Plan

There are just a few final details to attend to before you move forward. First, make a plan for how you will tell your spouse that you want a divorce.

Will you sit them down for a discussion, or are things bad enough that you need to move out before you break the news? Regardless of where you fall on this spectrum, think about how this conversation will go.

If you are working with a therapist, have them help you make a plan and maybe even engage in role-playing to help you get comfortable.

Do Set up Finances

If you don’t already have access to income through employment, retirement benefits, or investments that you own, you need to make sure you have access to cash and credit in the short period before your Temporary Orders are in place.^[4]

Establish a credit card and open a bank account in your name. You may need to fund your new bank account with jointly owned money. Follow the advice of your attorney as far as how much to set aside and how to document any funds you move.

Do Not

When going through a divorce, it can be tempting to engage in unhelpful behavior. As you prepare to leave, keep in mind these Do Not’s of Divorce. 

Do not:

• Purposefully waste money, attempt to hide assets or give property away to friends and relatives to keep it out of your spouse’s hands. This can and likely will
• Hide information like account statements, billing statements, tax records, or other financial records. Make your own copies and leave the originals where you found them. You’ll go through a process of exchanging information during your case, and hiding things only generates animosity.
• Clean out the joint bank account. If you must take money out of a joint account to take care of yourself, seek the counsel of your attorney on the amount to remove and proper documentation.
• Accrue large amounts of high-interest-rate debt for anything other than necessities.
• Attempt to remove your spouse’s name from any insurance policies or as a beneficiary on financial accounts. This can only happen after your case is settled.

If you are contemplating divorce, you may not need to complete every step outlined in this article. But if you do follow the advice that applies to you, you will likely find yourself moving into your case on a more confident footing. And that can set you up for a less stressful and potentially less costly divorce.

^{[1] Houston Bar Association Family Law Section: https://www.hba.org/?pg=Family-Law,  Family Bar of Fort Bend:  https://familybarfortbend.org/, Katy Bar Association – family law attorney listing: https://katybar.org/cat/family-law-attorneys/}

^{[2] These experts may include a Certified Divorce Financial Analysist™, Forensic Accountant, or Certified Public Accountant. This topic is covered in detail in the April 2019 edition of Graceful Exits: Taking a Team Approach to Divorce.}

^{[3] These include things like banking, investing, IRA, 401(k), and pension accounts.}

^{[4] A Temporary Orders set the ground rules for the period between now and the time your divorce is final. If you are a non-working spouse, the judge may order your soon-to-be-ex to pay temporary support.}

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